Elements

Got on our bikes today and went to the beach, an empty beach, cold wind, wild waves, a few seagulls, me and Michèl.
The wind took away the worst pain, the waves and sea gave me back some of my energy. I love the seaside, need the elements to come back to myself.
Still feel tired and not a 100% but I'm getting there.
Now warm and cosy in a warm house, going to call my children to say I love and miss them xxx

Full Stop

Mother for life

but no more new life 

for this Mother.

Made a Full stop

Final decision

Painfull day

Love for Life

Koen and Nina

Their Mother for Life.

Field trip

I went on a field trip today to the beautiful area north of Haarlem, lovely little villages, dunes and the beautiful autumn colors all around us. We had a delicious lunch in Schoorl and talked and laughed a lot. Our busdriver took us back home safely, the group of people tired and happy. I really can say I love my job ! Because yes, it was a days work but the 3 elderly ladies in their wheelchairs had a great day and the 2 volunteers made it happen again !

LoveLights

So Beautifull

Please watch this video and read the lyrics.
It struck me deep in my heart.
Antony and The Johnsons - Fistful of Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c1XwgsL6RA

Who's that Girl ?

Coming april I'm turning 40....took me almost 40 years to get to know the person in the body I got years ago....
I know that body, every inch, every crease, every spot....I know what pleases that body, know what hurts it, listen to it, feed it, wash it, keep it warm, give it sleep when needed...

But the inside, the person, the spirit, I never really listened to her...well maybe a few times in life but not very carefully...
Never really asked her what she wanted, didn't take care of her thoughts, didn't find her voice important enough...people in my childhood took away my voice...

And when 2 very important people joined me in life, they became my life....forgot about myself completely....as so with men, allways put them no.1

The last few months have been difficult, made me look inside....by myself in a very small room, no one to talk to, just me and my thoughts, confronting myself with my life....
and I am not proud about some choices, have hurt people I love because finally I am listening to her...the person inside myself...the consequences have been big but worth it...

My greatest Loves in life live with their father, the high price I have to pay is missing them, every day.
We see eachother on a regular bases but the pain never goes away and never will...

My children have a regular life now, have one very strong person next to them en me a bit further down the road. And I have found peace and rest in my head.The demons of my childhood are silent and now I can hear my own thoughts...I will never let somebody else speak or think for me again..

Sitting in my room, Amy singing for me, cup of tea, meeting my 16 y old son later for a walk down town and a bite to eat, looking forward to that !
My girl, sleeping over sometimes and doing eachothers make-up and hair.
Going to see my mother,brother and nephews and having a great day.
Having a good talk with my "sisters", they are very special to me.
Going out on the town with my wonderfull date, who lets me think for myself and has his own space in life.

Yes, I can say I am happy.

Brushes and Paint

Picked up my brushes again after a long time, made a mini painting 20x25cm with acrylic paint. Felt good to smell the paint again..