zondag 28 oktober 2012

So Beautifull

Please watch this video and read the lyrics.
It struck me deep in my heart.
Antony and The Johnsons - Fistful of Love


Who's that Girl ?

Coming april I'm turning 40....took me almost 40 years to get to know the person in the body I got years ago....
I know that body, every inch, every crease, every spot....I know what pleases that body, know what hurts it, listen to it, feed it, wash it, keep it warm, give it sleep when needed...

But the inside, the person, the spirit, I never really listened to her...well maybe a few times in life but not very carefully...
Never really asked her what she wanted, didn't take care of her thoughts, didn't find her voice important enough...people in my childhood took away my voice...

And when 2 very important people joined me in life, they became my life....forgot about myself completely....as so with men, allways put them no.1

The last few months have been difficult, made me look inside....by myself in a very small room, no one to talk to, just me and my thoughts, confronting myself with my life....
and I am not proud about some choices, have hurt people I love because finally I am listening to her...the person inside myself...the consequences have been big but worth it...

My greatest Loves in life live with their father, the high price I have to pay is missing them, every day.
We see eachother on a regular bases but the pain never goes away and never will...

My children have a regular life now, have one very strong person next to them en me a bit further down the road. And I have found peace and rest in my head.The demons of my childhood are silent and now I can hear my own thoughts...I will never let somebody else speak or think for me again..

Sitting in my room, Amy singing for me, cup of tea, meeting my 16 y old son later for a walk down town and a bite to eat, looking forward to that !
My girl, sleeping over sometimes and doing eachothers make-up and hair.
Going to see my mother,brother and nephews and having a great day.
Having a good talk with my "sisters", they are very special to me.
Going out on the town with my wonderfull date, who lets me think for myself and has his own space in life.

Yes, I can say I am happy.

donderdag 25 oktober 2012

Brushes and Paint

Picked up my brushes again after a long time, made a mini painting 20x25cm with acrylic paint. Felt good to smell the paint again..

woensdag 24 oktober 2012


Begonnen bij de bron, opgewekt uit liefde of soms alleen maar lust, maakt niet uit, je bent er.
Het oerbegin, rondgedragen in je eigen water, warm en veilig en dan ineens..
een waterval, een storm en dan ben je er.
Nog bepaal je niet je eigen stroom, je bent vermengd met andere wateren, je blijft veilig in het midden, bekijkt hun wereld als toeschouwer.
Sommige lessen neem je mee, als kleine kiezels..sommige laat je bewust achter.
Helaas kwamen er veel watervallen, stroomversnellingen,stormen en stiltes bevroren en tijd en ijs.
Soms een heerlijk poeltje waar je kon spelen en rusten, waar de energie herladen werd.
Maar water rust niet, het moet stromen, oerdrift.
Onderweg zie je mooie dingen, deel je met anderen soms jouw stroom
maar ieder heeft zijn eigen stroom, zijn eigen tempo, zijn eigen koers.
In onrustige wateren zie je niet meer helder, ga je kopje onder, zand en gruis vertroebelen je blik,
je vecht, maakt je los en stroomt verder.
Altijd stroomt de liefde, al betekent dat ook loslaten en je geliefden hun eigen koers laten vinden.
Onderweg in mijn levenstroom heb ik veel gewonnen en evenzoveel verloren, het enige wat er altijd is en zal zijn is mijn eigen water en liefde.
Mijn stroom is nu helder en rustig, ik vecht niet tegen de stroom in, ben kalm en deel mijn liefde met mijn geliefden.....
Drijf je mee?