vrijdag 14 december 2012

Little Words

Life is Love
Love is Life
When Love becomes Live
Life comes Alive


Silence is never Silent
In Silence things come alive
You can't hear
If you never listen to Silence

woensdag 12 december 2012

Writing in the Light

Every month they come along, 3 nights. 8 long silent hours I only hear an occasional alarmbell from one who is awake and needs me. Silent hours with only my thoughts to accompany me. And when I feel good one of those nights will be a writing night. Word after word, sentence after sentence roll out of my pen. I love writing in the silence of the night, it puts everything into perspective, no influence from anyone. The darkness of the night lightens up my mind.

woensdag 5 december 2012

My miniature Place

A few pictures of my Little Home, it's just one room with a kitchenette but with the right size furniture and sofabed I have made it into a lovely place where I really feel at home because for the first time in my life I feel at home in myself.

woensdag 21 november 2012


Got on our bikes today and went to the beach, an empty beach, cold wind, wild waves, a few seagulls, me and Michèl.
The wind took away the worst pain, the waves and sea gave me back some of my energy. I love the seaside, need the elements to come back to myself.
Still feel tired and not a 100% but I'm getting there.
Now warm and cosy in a warm house, going to call my children to say I love and miss them xxx

maandag 19 november 2012

Full Stop

Mother for life
but no more new life 
for this Mother.

Made a Full stop
Final decision
Painfull day

Love for Life
Koen and Nina
Their Mother for Life.

vrijdag 9 november 2012

Field trip

I went on a field trip today to the beautiful area north of Haarlem, lovely little villages, dunes and the beautiful autumn colors all around us. We had a delicious lunch in Schoorl and talked and laughed a lot. Our busdriver took us back home safely, the group of people tired and happy. I really can say I love my job ! Because yes, it was a days work but the 3 elderly ladies in their wheelchairs had a great day and the 2 volunteers made it happen again !

zondag 28 oktober 2012

So Beautifull

Please watch this video and read the lyrics.
It struck me deep in my heart.
Antony and The Johnsons - Fistful of Love


Who's that Girl ?

Coming april I'm turning 40....took me almost 40 years to get to know the person in the body I got years ago....
I know that body, every inch, every crease, every spot....I know what pleases that body, know what hurts it, listen to it, feed it, wash it, keep it warm, give it sleep when needed...

But the inside, the person, the spirit, I never really listened to her...well maybe a few times in life but not very carefully...
Never really asked her what she wanted, didn't take care of her thoughts, didn't find her voice important enough...people in my childhood took away my voice...

And when 2 very important people joined me in life, they became my life....forgot about myself completely....as so with men, allways put them no.1

The last few months have been difficult, made me look inside....by myself in a very small room, no one to talk to, just me and my thoughts, confronting myself with my life....
and I am not proud about some choices, have hurt people I love because finally I am listening to her...the person inside myself...the consequences have been big but worth it...

My greatest Loves in life live with their father, the high price I have to pay is missing them, every day.
We see eachother on a regular bases but the pain never goes away and never will...

My children have a regular life now, have one very strong person next to them en me a bit further down the road. And I have found peace and rest in my head.The demons of my childhood are silent and now I can hear my own thoughts...I will never let somebody else speak or think for me again..

Sitting in my room, Amy singing for me, cup of tea, meeting my 16 y old son later for a walk down town and a bite to eat, looking forward to that !
My girl, sleeping over sometimes and doing eachothers make-up and hair.
Going to see my mother,brother and nephews and having a great day.
Having a good talk with my "sisters", they are very special to me.
Going out on the town with my wonderfull date, who lets me think for myself and has his own space in life.

Yes, I can say I am happy.

donderdag 25 oktober 2012

Brushes and Paint

Picked up my brushes again after a long time, made a mini painting 20x25cm with acrylic paint. Felt good to smell the paint again..

woensdag 24 oktober 2012


Begonnen bij de bron, opgewekt uit liefde of soms alleen maar lust, maakt niet uit, je bent er.
Het oerbegin, rondgedragen in je eigen water, warm en veilig en dan ineens..
een waterval, een storm en dan ben je er.
Nog bepaal je niet je eigen stroom, je bent vermengd met andere wateren, je blijft veilig in het midden, bekijkt hun wereld als toeschouwer.
Sommige lessen neem je mee, als kleine kiezels..sommige laat je bewust achter.
Helaas kwamen er veel watervallen, stroomversnellingen,stormen en stiltes bevroren en tijd en ijs.
Soms een heerlijk poeltje waar je kon spelen en rusten, waar de energie herladen werd.
Maar water rust niet, het moet stromen, oerdrift.
Onderweg zie je mooie dingen, deel je met anderen soms jouw stroom
maar ieder heeft zijn eigen stroom, zijn eigen tempo, zijn eigen koers.
In onrustige wateren zie je niet meer helder, ga je kopje onder, zand en gruis vertroebelen je blik,
je vecht, maakt je los en stroomt verder.
Altijd stroomt de liefde, al betekent dat ook loslaten en je geliefden hun eigen koers laten vinden.
Onderweg in mijn levenstroom heb ik veel gewonnen en evenzoveel verloren, het enige wat er altijd is en zal zijn is mijn eigen water en liefde.
Mijn stroom is nu helder en rustig, ik vecht niet tegen de stroom in, ben kalm en deel mijn liefde met mijn geliefden.....
Drijf je mee?

woensdag 11 juli 2012

Broken Angel

Gisteren een helende dag gehad in de fotostudio van mijn goede vriend Hoo Gan Tan.
Met alleen mijn Engelenvleugels en tattoo's stond ik helemaal puur in het warme licht, de emoties kwamen vanzelf en er zijn mooie maar confronterende beelden uitgekomen.
Hier deel ik de mooiste met jullie.
Lieve Hoo Gan, dank je voor je vriendschap.

vrijdag 6 juli 2012

Nieuw Begin

Na een hele lange stilte ben ik er weer klaar voor om te bloggen.
Ik heb een paar grote stappen gemaakt, waar ik niet al te breed over ga uitwijden.

Mijn nieuwe situatie is dat ik nu alleen woon en mijn kinderen fulltime bij hun vader.

2 moeilijke stappen.

Ik kijk naar nu en vooruit.

Ik kijk naar mijn kinderen en zie 2 mensen met heel leven nog voor zich die ze nu vanuit een stabiele basis kunnen uitrollen.

Ik kijk naar mezelf en zie een vrouw die nog een heel leven voor zich heeft en die ze met zichzelf wil doorbrengen.

Het nemen van deze stappen viel me erg zwaar, het blijven lopen nog zwaarder...maar ik loop, al is het langzaam en soms met slepende voeten....ik loop....en blijf lopen...

maandag 26 maart 2012

Bright Light

The past few days the light was a bit brighter and not only because Mother Nature warmed us with her sun.

On wednesday I recieved the good news that I was chosen to have a pre-concert-meal with Anneke van Giersbergen before her concert on thursday, a dutch singer who I love !
It was a great experience, we had lots of fun and nice little chats with Anneke and her husband-and drummer- Rob. After that the pictures to proof we were there haha
Her concert was so good, she really rocks and her voice is angelic, so pure..and joined by our two good friends Henk and Merlijn we had a ball !!
After the show she came off stage to sign cd's, t-shirts and more..
The nice thing was that Lief and friends say Anneke and I look alike, Lief told her that and that we call her my sister, she laughed and wanted to borrow my red boots, cause hey, thats what sisters do...
Standing in line to get my cd signed after the show, she welcomed me with: Hey Sis !!

I was so thrilled about everything I kept bouncing around like a bunny on batteries..

The next bright thing happened on saturday.
Our dear friends of the Southern Train band joined a competition. The Clash of the Coverbands, Benelux edition.
We all travelled to the gig together, after preparing band t-shirts the night before.
The boys were all nervous and excited, and so were we..
Southern Train was the only band with a big fancrew and t-shirts, we dominated the room haha
Edith,uber-Mom, filmed the whole night, Uber-Dad John kept us all together and sharp!
I have been titled Chief of the Fanclub and Miss Merchandise, we all had a great night. Haging out backstage together, Lief and the men smoking and drinking.
And the best thing that could happen, did happen ! They won !! And we felt we all won, we were jumping around, hugging,laughing, it was great. Lief's mum and dad were there too and joined the party!

The afterparty at John&Edith was intimate, we watched the film and had some beers.

This coming thursday the whole family is coming to ours for our Soup-date, guitars will be played, music will fill the house, laughter and fun.

I am so proud to be a part of this new family, YIHAA !!


dinsdag 6 maart 2012

zaterdag 25 februari 2012

Our backyard

Because we live so near we can call it our backyard.
The dunes between Haarlem and Bloemendaal aan Zee are so beautiful, we spend many hours there...
Today we walked for 3 hours, the sun warmed us on our way...here some nice pictures...

vrijdag 17 februari 2012


Today I did my 4th fotoshoot.
It was for dutch Magazine Esta after an interview on the phone yesterday about our little wild garden.
The first 3 shoots I did with my dear friend Hoo Gan Tan, see previous blogs.
I was very shy in the beginning but Hoo Gan knew how to calm and open me.
I still love every picture he has taken of me.

So today was something new again, working with an all ladies crew, getting my hair and make-up done by proffesionals. A stylist dressed me up in jeans,heels and a lovely top. My hair was very curly and the make-up beautiful !

And then the real thing, striking a pose as the photographer wants you to, a bit to the left, chin up, chin down, hand like this....
Hair, make-up and clothes took more time than shooting the pictures, they were pleased I had some experience in posing...

It was great to do and I secretly hope I can do it more often...maybe my dear friend Hoo Gan can help me get more shoots or today ladies will ask me again.

In Esta magazine nr 8 you can see the result !

My thanks go to :
Petra Vollinga www.hetwoordpaleis.nl for the interview
Paula Schouten of Colorenco: Production and styling
Saskia van Osnabrugge: Photographer www.saskiavanosnabrugge.nl
Astrid Timmer: Hair and Make-up www.astridtimmer.nl

and offcourse: Hoo Gan Tan www.hoogantan.nl mijn leermeester

maandag 13 februari 2012


Sometimes songs can remind you of certain moments....sometimes songs give you a certain feeling...

I have allways loved the song "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, don't ask me why, I don't have memories that contain this song, just gives me a romantic feeling...

A few years back there was a movie with Reese Witherspoon and handsome Josh Lucas about a girl who has to go back to Alabama to devorce her childhood love but they fall in love again. At the villagefestival the band Jewel plays "Sweet Home Alabama" ...my romantic heart allmost jumped out of my body....yes I know...sentimental...pppff
I would have loved being at that villagefestival...dancing...

After seeing this film again together with my Dad and Irene I had a memory to go with it, my Dad saying Earl&Pearl Smooter (parents in de film) over and over again made me laugh so hard and long...I'm smiling now....

Back to today, the reason I have seen Southern Train perform 3 times in only 5 weeks is not only because the guys are very good and lovable but they play "Sweet Home Alabama" !!!

Okay, it's not at a villagefestival but the feeling is there, my heart jumps everytime they play.
So rock on Southern Train, your no.1 fan will come aboard your train when she can !

donderdag 2 februari 2012


Because I have Museum Year Card I can visit over 400 museums in Holland for free.

Here in Haarlem I've been to a few old ones, Frans Hals and Teylers are my favourites. The Hermitage in Amsterdam is nice and the Rijksmuseum van Oudheden in Leiden is a good place if you love history!
I love the silence, the smell of the past, the beautiful old frames around the -not allways beautiful- paintings. It's like time stands still when I'm walking around. No distractions from outside because I allways put my coat and bag in a safety deposit. No phone. Just me and my eyes, my thoughts.....it makes me calm...I can spend hours being there with myself and art.

It's like a gift to myself...

So today I went to Amstelveen, a 40 min busride from home. My destination was the Cobra Museum of modern art. The first time to a modern museum. But I was very dissapointed, the building looks cold from the outside en feels cold on the inside. A lot of glass and whiteness surrounds you...a big hallway downstairs and a room upstairs with roomdividers....It's like a maze.....
The art on display didn't touch me at all, paintings by Klee, Appel,Corneille....big names I know but the paintings are all to abstract, surreal....

So after a cappucino in the museumcafe - again all glass and white - I left with an empty feeling...

But that's not a bad thing, I have also learnt what I do like.
I like old buildings, historic tales, realistic paintings and I know now that my favourite painters are Breitner and Israel. Breitners painting : girl in kimono is one of the special paintings because the girl looks like my girl.
And I can see them every day if I want to, just 10 min on my bike for some calm moments...

woensdag 1 februari 2012

vrijdag 27 januari 2012

My new shoes


Calm Stream of Life

After a time of silence I will write to you again..

We needed that time to reflect last year, a year with high moments but with more lows and stressfull situations. They have not knocked us out but have made us stronger and more together.
No need to look back here, we are looking forward and we have decided that 2012 is going to be a year of enjoying ourselfs.

When we sit for a meal with the kids, every evening is a joy with stories en laughter, sometimes serious issues come along...
Love the hugs I get from my Son who is taller then me now, I can see the man he's going to become..
My Meis, torn apart between girl and little woman....love seeing her grow..

We have met a lovely new group friends with who we share life experiances , with who we drink and enjoy the music some of us give to others.
We embrace our family, listen to their wise words of comfort and love. Lean on them when we have the need to...

Finally we have time for ourself, listen to our body, sleep when tired, eat and drink what we want, I have started zumba-lessons in the good company of my daughter.
Lief is making new music and sharing it with the world at www.flapcan.nl on the Open Podium nights.
We walk a lot through the dunes around our lovely hometown, 3 hours in the beautiful nature is enough to load up our battery and the capuccino afterwards never tasted so good !!

We all are looking forward to this summer, we have booked 2 holidays !
First Lief and I are going to Slovenia for a week, we have a little studio for ourselfs, lovely nature to walk for hours surrounds us.
After that we are back at work for 2 weeks, the kids are going on scoutscamp in those weeks, and to complete it all we are all going to my Dad and Irene in England for a week. Finally I can show Lief and the kids where I was born.

As for now, we float on our Calm Stream of Life and embrace every minute of it.