Coming april I'm turning 40....took me almost 40 years to get to know the person in the body I got years ago....
I know that body, every inch, every crease, every spot....I know what pleases that body, know what hurts it, listen to it, feed it, wash it, keep it warm, give it sleep when needed...
But the inside, the person, the spirit, I never really listened to her...well maybe a few times in life but not very carefully...
Never really asked her what she wanted, didn't take care of her thoughts, didn't find her voice important enough...people in my childhood took away my voice...
And when 2 very important people joined me in life, they became my life....forgot about myself completely....as so with men, allways put them no.1
The last few months have been difficult, made me look inside....by myself in a very small room, no one to talk to, just me and my thoughts, confronting myself with my life....
and I am not proud about some choices, have hurt people I love because finally I am listening to her...the person inside myself...the consequences have been big but worth it...
My greatest Loves in life live with their father, the high price I have to pay is missing them, every day.
We see eachother on a regular bases but the pain never goes away and never will...
My children have a regular life now, have one very strong person next to them en me a bit further down the road. And I have found peace and rest in my head.The demons of my childhood are silent and now I can hear my own thoughts...I will never let somebody else speak or think for me again..
Sitting in my room, Amy singing for me, cup of tea, meeting my 16 y old son later for a walk down town and a bite to eat, looking forward to that !
My girl, sleeping over sometimes and doing eachothers make-up and hair.
Going to see my mother,brother and nephews and having a great day.
Having a good talk with my "sisters", they are very special to me.
Going out on the town with my wonderfull date, who lets me think for myself and has his own space in life.
Yes, I can say I am happy.
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